He'd been keeping to himself very deep inside his soul
He was ashamed, he was embarrassed
Didn't want to jeopardise the loved they shared, oh not at all
Jack was... a hedgehog
Nobody knew
He was a filthy little creature
But with one redeeming feature
He was quite good at impersonating a human
Well, Jack decided to tell Jill
But he did not know how she'd feel
So he made a hedgehog slice
She said, "Jack, thank you for the food
And I don't want to sound too rude,
I don't think hedgehogs are nice."
Then Jack was gutted and a tear rolled down his cheek
And Jill said, "Jack, I was joking. I love this chocolate treat.
It's just the animal hedgehogs that I despise."
And it was quite sad because she still had no idea that Jack was a hedgehog
Yes, she had no idea
But he couldn't stand the shame
And he had to clear his name
So he organised to meet Jill down on Southbank
And he said, "Jill, I wanna tell you..."
She said, "Shh, I wanna smell you."
He said, "Not the best idea."
And he said, "Jill, I am a hedgehog."
And she said, "Haha, silly. Well, give me a hedge-hug."
And they held each other near
(Spoken)
But as they were hugging each other, Jill cut her hand up on one of the spikes on his back. And she said, "Jack, what the fuck is this? You have spikes on your back! And he tore away his trench coat, and he pulled off his little mask and his snout popped out and she said, "Are you- you actually are a hedgehog!" "Yes, I was trying to tell you, babe. I've been trying to tell you for a week." "Four years, Jack, you've been keeping this from me! Four years, you little crazy fuck! What were you doing? What were you thinking!" And she picked Jack up, and she kicked him high into the air!
(Sung)
Jack went flying through the air
Like a big ball of hedgehog
And all the while, he was singing:
"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend
You have been the one..."
(Spoken)
And after he'd done singing James Blunt's entire extended repertoire, two albums to date, he came to rest through the open window of a yellow taxi cab in Frankston.
(Sung)
Hedgehog in a taxi, will he pay the fare?
Hedgehog in a taxi, does the driver even know that he's there?
The driver did know he was there
And they charged Jack the fare
But Jack disagreed with the two dollar fifty flagfall
Hedgehog in a taxi, getting fiscal
Didn't like the driver, pulled a pistol
Out shot the driver, couldn't revive her
You all thought that she was a man but she was a woman, you are sexist
Hedgehog in a taxi, hedgehog on the run
There are twenty cops behind him but they know he's got a gun
So he's gotta keep on going, petrol flowing
But now he's been surrounded and he's slowing down
He's in an alleyway
The cops are are and they
Are just about to shoot
(Spoken)
And then Jill came running in through the alleyway. She said, "Stop! Don't shoot the little prick! Can't you see he's not man! He's just a hedgehog!" But as she was playing the grand piano she'd wheeled into the alleyway for dramatic effect, the policemen riddled Jack's little body with bullets and then started playing soccer with his corpse. Final scores were Victoria Police 3, Jack's corpse nil. Some say it was an unfair match. And all the while, Jill kept on playing.
(Sung)
In conclusion, it has been seen
Don't pretend to be a human
In conclusion, it has been seen
Some people who say they are a human might not actually be a human
In conclusion, it has been seen
Many of us are still heavily instructed by a dominant social paradigm that suggest taxi driving is not an occupation for females
