Last Will And Temperament
By The Frantics
Available on Frantic Times, CBC Records LM484, 1984
EXECUTOR: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will And Testament.
HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.
JENNY: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa!
HANK: Oh, there, there, Jenny.
RALSTON: God, how predictably boring.
MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.
EXECUTOR: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
RALSTON: I knew it.
HEDGE: Heh heh heh heh.
EXECUTOR: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body..."
HEDGE: That's a laugh!
EXECUTOR: "... do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..."
JENNY: Waaaa!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
JENNY: Oh.
EXECUTOR: "... who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."
JENNY: What?
EXECUTOR: "... To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head."
JENNY: A what?
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
EXECUTOR: "... and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank."
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
HEDGE: Hahahahaha...
JENNY: This is an outrage!
EXECUTOR: "... ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it..."
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
HANK: Yes.
EXECUTOR: "... I bequeath another boot to the head."
JENNY: What?
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ow!
HEDGE: Hahahaha...
EXECUTOR: "And one more for the wimp."
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
EXECUTOR: "Next, to my alcoholic brother..."
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!
EXECUTOR: "... to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."
HEDGE: I'm coverin' up my head!
EXECUTOR: "... I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."
HEDGE: Really?
EXECUTOR: "And a boot to the head."
*BONK! *
HEDGE: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And another for Jenny and the wimp."
*BONK! *
JENNY: Oh!
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
EXECUTOR: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston..."
RALSTON: This is so predictable...
EXECUTOR: "... I leave a boot to the head."
*BONK! *
RALSTON: Uh! I knew it.
EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ah!
*BONK! *
HANK: OH!
EXECUTOR: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy..."
MRS. MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'.
EXECUTOR: "... who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."
MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.
EXECUTOR: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head."
*BONK! *
MRS. MULROY: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."
*BONK! *
JENNY: AH!
*BONK! *
HANK: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!"
*BONK! *
*MEOW! *
EXECUTOR: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "... and I leave my entire estate of $10 million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.
HANK: Is that it?
RALSTON: That's it?
HEDGE: That's disgraceful.
EXECUTOR: There's one last thing for everyone.
HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody!
EXECUTOR: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."
HANK: Ice cream?
HEDGE: Ice cream?
RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all?
EXECUTOR: That's all.
MRS. MULROY: Well, what flavor is it?
EXECUTOR: Boot to the head!
*BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! *
ALL: OW!
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