FUNNY GIRL is the life of vaudeville comedienne Fanny Brice (1891-1951),
starting in 1910. Actually the show starts after she has become a success
on stage and flashes back to her origins. It opens in Fanny's dressing room.
She is waiting for her husband, Nick Arnstein, to return after being in prison.
She looks back to when she was a 19-year old hopeful. Her mother's poker
buddies think she's wasting her life trying to break into show business.
[Mrs. Strakosh:]
Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--
especially the male element--they want something to look at!
If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
All she gets in life
Is pity and a pat.
[Mrs. Brice:]
Is a nose with deviation
Such a crime against the nation?
Should I throw her into jail
Or drown the cat?
[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
She must shine in ev'ry detail
Like a ring you're buying retail,
Be a standard size that
Fits a standard dress.
[Mrs. Strakosh:]
When a girl's incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils
[Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker:]
Then to me that doesn't spell success.
Fanny auditions for Keeney's Music Hall but Keeney kicks
her out of the chorus because she doesn't look like the
others. Eddie Ryan, dance director for Keeney, agrees:
[Eddie:]
If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She should dump the stage
And try another route.
Any guy who pays a quarter
For a seat just feels he oughter
See a figger that his wife can't
Substitute.
Kid, my heart ain't made of marble
But your rhythm's really horr'ble
And that map of yours just ain't no
Valentine.
Everything you got's about right,
But the damn thing don't come out right
So forget it, kid,
And just resign.
[Chorus:]
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
If a girl isn't pretty,
She should get a job,
Go get a job--
Get any job
Get a weekly pay,
'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.
