I have this problem with my toe
And so I call my HMO
With a referral from
My primary care physician
They say my call matters to them
They’re like an old and trusted friend
Except friends don’t make you ask
Them for permission
The recording on the phone
Says “Leave your message at the tone
Tell us your name, your age,
Your reason for submission”
So I describe my nail ingrown,
Wax poetic on the phone
This is a metaphor
For the whole human condition
Tender
Sensitive
Painful
And now I’m listening to Brahms
(music to keep the caller calm),
Starting to see things from
The stockholder’s perspective
Should I stop thinking of myself
While they are managing my health?
While an accountant finds a treatment
That’s cost-effective
Hallelujah, I rejoice!
Is this a living human voice
talking to me
Like I’m a sweet, annoying female?
I plead my best bureaucratese
I would be down upon my knees
‘Cept I’d be leaning
on this poor, throbbing toenail
Painful
Purple
Festering
As for my coverage, they say no
This is a pre-existing toe
My policy excludes
All things pre-existing
So if I want the claim approved
The toe will have to be removed
Which they believe may keep
The problem from persisting
This makes my doctor quite irate
Why should he have to amputate?
In his opinion this condition could
Be better handled
And as for me—I don’t know
I’d kinda like to keep the toe
I spent a fortune on these
Gorgeous Gucci sandals
Sexy
Size 6
Retail
I have been waiting patiently
Why aren’t you listening to me?
Can't you see that it's
Trying my endurance
I’m only asking to be heard
Hostage is such an ugly word
I would much prefer
Living Health Insurance
I want the orthopedic shoe
I want the Prozac® approved, too
Managed care is managing
To make me hostile
You've put me off far too long
I'll fix your ass; I'll write a song
About a nine-toed woman
Who goes postal
Crazy
Uzi
Bell tower
