Ladies and gentleman of the class of '98
people often ask me if I have any advice to offer
and when they do, I tell them this:
If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life
try to remember some of the most interesting people didn't know what
they
were going to do at age 22 or even at 40, and nearly all of them are
unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.
Also understand that friends will come and go - this is because of your
irritating personality - nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting
you
through the day is the misconception that people like you - end it now.
(gunshot)
Learn how to smoke Winnie blues. If you're underaged, get an older kid to
buy them for you. Get to really know your parents - they're good for
money.
Milk them, then put them in an old people's home. Travel as often as you
can. Live in New York City once. Live in northern California once. Never
live in Adelaide - it's a hole.
Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children. Maybe you won't. If you do have children,
lock
them under the stairs.
Do one thing each day that scares you. Sing. Dance. Jump in front of a
car.
Do not trust anyone who tries to update Shakespeare for the kids. And
if
you see Quindon Tarver in the street - punch him in the face for me...
Brother and sister, we can be free.
(punching-sound-effect, feedback)
If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're
probably
fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating disorder.
Don't
worry too much about the future. If you're nervous about an exam, ring
up
your school at the scheduled time and make a bomb threat. If you're a
girl,
lie about period pains to get out of anything that you don't want to
do. Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with
richer parents is getting private tuition.
Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centres factor shop lifting into
their prices so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for
free. When you're on work experience, steal a cabcharge and take a taxi
to
Perth. Wear sunscreen, but only if its that coconut oil that gives you
cancer. Keep your old love letters. If you see an old lover in the
street,
try to run them over in your car. Don't mess too much with your hair,
otherwise by the time you're 35, you'll look like Greg Matthews.
Remember
you can wear your underwear 4 times without washing: forwards,
backwards,
inside out forwards, inside out backwards.
Brother and sister we can be free-ee-ee,
Brother and sister, we can belieeeeve, we can belie-
(multiple gunshots)
Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres. It's a
free
country. It's public space. Skateboard on war memorials. Smoke in your
school uniform. Set off car alarms. Plant drugs on a teacher. Join a
cult.
Spike drinks. Don't flush public toilets. Remember, only you will only
truly take care of you - so carry a concealed weapon. Don't wear your P
plates. Walk around with your eyelids rolled back. Touch you tongue on
the
tip of batteries. Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant
the first time you have sex. Expect others to support you. It's easy to
get
the dole - and still do cash in hand work. Respect your elders. When
your
grandma dies have her stuffed. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss
them
when you're kneecapped by a lone shark. Get revenge. Don't forgive
anyone
for anything. But most of all, don't aim too high - You're probably only
suited to an office or factory job.
