Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
at our Christmas party.
We were drinkin' champagne punch and homemade eggnog.
Little sister brought her new boyfriend.
He was a Mexican.
We didn't know what to think of him
until he sang Feliz Navidad.
Brother Ken brought his kids with him-
the three from his first wife Lynn,
and the two identical twins
from his second wife Mary Nell.
Of course he brought his new wife, Kay-
who talks all about AA,
chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel, the First Noel.
Carve the turkey, turn the ballgame on.
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone.
Send somebody to the Quik Pak store,
we need some icing and extension cords,
a can of bean dip and some Diet Rite,
a box of tampons and some more Burl Ives.
Halleluia everybody say cheese,
Merry Christmas from the Family.
Fran and Rita drove from Harlogen.
I can't remember how I'm kin to them.
But when they tried to plug their motor home in,
they blew our Christmas lights.
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
so we all waited out on our front lawn.
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
and we sang Silent Night, oh Silent Night.
Carve the turkey, turn the ballgame on
Make bloody marys cause we all want one.
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go,
we need some celery and a can of fake snow,
a bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite,
a box of tampons and some Salem Lights.
Halleluia everybody say cheese,
Merry Christmas from the Family.
