Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the
man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin
Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on
Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like
it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm
farm. A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm
is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots
in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl
pleads this might be due to the fact that St.
Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their
waste on his property. Interesting thing about
three-foot maggots in that...that, well, one day
China disappeared, and the next day his television
disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57
Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world's
biggest maggots.
Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the
kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor,
and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go
to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs
all over it?" and he gives me a look that still
chills me to this day.
Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl
Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is
Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, ever
since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up
$5,000 in "976-" phone bills. He called weird,
unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and
"976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.
He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I
talk to him. So I went into his bedroom, and I sat
him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior
looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a
pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?"
And he gave me a look that still chills me to this
day.
Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-
Sue. And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a
little girl, as she looks like a...a big pile of
fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St.
Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his
maggot farm. Yeah, I never had much contact with
Essie...Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think
that much of her to get her name right. I never had
much contact with her. She just normaally just sits
on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just
...boils away. Well, one day, she looked at me, and
that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what
I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else
it could be), and out of that orifice floated the
words, "Didja ever go to make a...a pork sausage and
find it's got hair all over it?", and then that...
that little ball of fungus gave me a look that
chills me to this day.
Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her...Wife. We
don't know her name, because she's never really said
that much. For the longest time, we thought she
could only say two words, which were "dog" and
"pussy". We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but
then we found out that what she was really trying to
say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which
doesn't come up much in conversation, especially
amongst Baptists. We never heard her say anything
other than that. You know, she works down at...at
St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although
she only does say those...well that one word. And
we have heard her say another thing once, but that
was a long time ago. We were sittin' around the
house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you
ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's
got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a
look that chills me to this day.
Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin'
down in Miller's Creek. He took his wife, who could
only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior,
who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard
numbers; and he took that little...that little ball
of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with
him. They all got in a little boat and they started
fishing. Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and
Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their
stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of heinous
stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with
little things on them that say "St. Smithen's
Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery".
Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed
bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a
twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass. Earl looked at
it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to
eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open.
But that fish looked up at him, and it said,
"Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl
said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a
maggot farm! My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'! My
daughter is a pile of fungus! My son spent all his
college money calling '976-' numbers! I have to eat
you!" And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me,
mister, please!" And he said, "I have to! I have
to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're
gonna to cut me open, let me ask you one question:
Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find that
it's got hairs growin' all over it?" And then, all
twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they
stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-
pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-"
animal-calling son, and they stared back at that...
little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter.
And they gave them a look! All twenty-seven eyes
gave them a look! A look that they would not forget
until this very day!
