A Plea for Order
(Heather Wood -- 1986)
Please don't dismember your father,
And leave bits all over the shed,
He was a tidy man all of his life,
And should remain so when he's dead.
Gather him up in a garbage bag,
Remember the collection's at two,
Please leave the potting shed just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a patricide,
It doesn't mean that you can be untidy,
Make the world a nice place to live,
For others are following you.
Don't make a bonfire of Mother if
You live in a smoke-free zone.
You'll bring disgrace on the family
And lower the neighborhood's tone.
Just feed her into the furnace;
That way you'll save energy, too.
Please leave the garden just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a matricide. . .
Please do not poison your brother;
That might be hard to explain,
Just get him drunk on rye whiskey
And then shove him under a train.
One thing that you should remember is
To have him insured e'er you do.
Please leave Amtrak just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a fratricide. . .
Don't have a cookout with Baby,
He's so small, he'll only serve six,
The steaks that you get will be paltry;
He's hardly got ribs or drumsticks.
You'll find that he'll go much further
Served up in a hearty ragout.
Please leave the dining room just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're an infanticide. . .
Please don't go slashing your jugular
And dripping all over the floor.
Don't cut your wrists at the bathroom sink
And cover the faucets with gore.
Just take a large dose of sleeping pills,
Then faint with your head down the loo.
Please leave the bathroom just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a suicide. . .
Don't stuff the Queen in a blender
And turn the control to ``puree,''
Then neglect to clean out the container;
Remember that's not the right way,
Before you flush her down the toilet,
Retrieve the Crown Jewels from the goo.
Please leave the Throne Room just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a regicide. . .
If you assassinate Reagan, please
Do it in a manner that's neat,
Just tie him to a cruise missile
And aim it at Ten Downing Street.
This way, you'll also get Thatcher;
The world will be grateful to you.
Please leave the White House just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a pesticide. . .
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